Untitled Pandemic Journal

Journal #1 (4/23/2020)
Here we go I guess. I'm excited about this project, don't get me wrong, but I guess I'm like
everyone else. I like reading these kinds of narratives, but living it is a whole new
experience...and it's not fun. But the English teacher in me knows this is important work and to
take on the task with honor (and it is, to clarify, an honor). I even got another teacher to come
on board with me!
Today I drove my car for the first time in over a month. I'm currently bunkered at my parents'
house, which is a privilege that too many don't have. A month ago, I was still doing Homebound
Instruction for a young gentleman suffering from a concussion among other medical issues.
Today, I delivered the remaining hard copies of the work he still needs to do and will hopefully
be able to complete. I worry about his academic success, which was already compromised by
various injuries and exacerbated by an actual plague. Most of the kids I teach have IEPs and
504s, which in layman's terms are plans that help bring success to students in need of
accommodations. It levels out the playing field for their education, which is essential for the sake
of equity. I'm also very worried about my students with mental health concerns, as this unique
form of governed isolation could exacerbate symptoms of anxiety and depression.
Speaking of which, my own mental health has remained pretty stable, but my tics (one part of
my Tourette Syndrome) have fluctuated widely over the past few weeks. The first week after we
were put on lockdown was the worst. I had a minor panic attack and was certain I would be in
one of those cyclical attacks that are damaging to experience. One panic attack is a traumatic
event in itself, but waves of them wipe out the body in so many ways. The first wave I had was
when I was 11, experiencing my first week of seventh grade only to be gasping for breath for an
unknown reason. If I do get COVID, I may have difficulty differentiating the two. I had mono
once when I was 20 and assumed it was just stress until the doctor told me otherwise. Still, like
now, I was able to stabilize myself. In a way, having a chronic condition prepares you for a world
like this because you already anticipate the worst case scenario. It's a shame that people still
see us as expendable.
On the topic of expandability, I've been waiting to receive my contract for next year...if I get one
at all. The last time an economic crisis happened, teachers were laid off and those who weren't
got pay freezes and cuts. This school year is my second year, and I'm wondering if they'll let me
have a third. I'm okay financially for the moment because I'm not supporting a kid or paying a
mortgage, but I wasn't sure how I was going to afford a house BEFORE this or if I could even
afford to keep doing what I love. Costs of everything have been rising, our healthcare is a joke
of a system, and the workload for teachers has increased more and more with nothing added as
a benefit. I love my job, so even thinking about these things really sucks. I shouldn't have to
take on a second job just to afford to keep the first one, but everything we've fought for as
professionals, like our pay raises. Now that's most definitely gone. But before this gets any more
preachy, I'm putting a stop here. Maybe tomorrow I'll talk about something positive, like
chocolate milk.
Journal #2 (4/24/2020)
Well, I finished my chocolate milk and there isn't more of that. I know that's extremely trivial, but
it's made me find a little bit of happiness with all of this.
I've been trying to grade the students' assignments, but the programs keep crashing or failing to
load. I made a video on my laptop for them, but it turned out awful because it apparently can't
handle high res quality. The video is purple and fuzzy. So there's 30 minutes down the drain. It's
disheartening and more stressful than ever. I've gotten so many panicked emails from both
students and parents and I just don't know how to juggle it all. Only four students logged into my
Zoom meeting today. It's sad I can't see all of them in person. We also had a staff meeting
through Google Meet today. Apparently a staff member's family member passed due to the
virus. Then a parent and a student tested positive. We had a moment of silence for them.
April has been trickling by so slowly. I can't imagine May will go any better. I'm still seeing so
many protestors on TV saying this lockdown is a violation of their constitutional rights, but it's
pretty obvious they have no idea what real oppression looks like. It's going to make this whole
thing last longer. The people who are saying to let the virus run its course have zero regard for
the lives of the disabled and older populations. It's made me actually consider drawing up a will,
an unofficial one, just in case.
I'm also worried that I won't be able to see my boyfriend, let alone get married soon like we've
been wanting. He's in Norfolk and I'm in Richmond. All we've been wanting is to be able to move
in with each other and start our life together. If this were two decades ago, it would have already
happened. But the job market and the economy has screwed things up royally. But I'm spiraling
into negativity. I just need to keep praying, keep looking forward.
Journal #3 (4/25/2020)
My allergies are terrible. I know it's not "The Beer" as I've heard the virus referred to today in a
YouTube video. Content creators can lose money if they say the real word. But anyhow, once I
take my allergy meds, I'm fine. You know, minus some anxiety.
Today, I slept in and then read The Sun Dog by Stephen King. I finished it after dinner. It was
decent. I also just messed around on my phone as I imagine everyone is doing for
entertainment. I also snuggled with my dogs. They're a very welcome distraction too, even if
they do smack me in the face.
Dad keeps getting takeout and bringing it in the house. He also didn't wash his hands one day
and we had to Lysol the kitchen and steam the floors since he wore his shoes inside. I don't
know why he has to be stubborn and childish. I'm already worried enough that we'll catch it
being careful, but he's being SO careless that it's making my anxiety go wild.
Tonight's SNL is pretty unique for obvious reasons. They've got some pretty good cameras in
their homes and have made some good content, even using GIFs and other animated things to
accompany their sketches. It's weird not hearing a live audience laugh in the background. It
makes it eerie, but I still appreciate that they are trying to bring us joy. They've gotten a few
laughs out of me, so I'd say it's working.
Journal #4 4/26/2020
I'm serious about that unofficial will idea. I'm also going to write love letters to my boyfriend.
Maybe I'll just mail him all the letters I wrote to my future husband since my teen years. He is
the one, and more than ever, it seems more urgent that he knows. He does know, but he needs
to know even more. I don't know what I would do without him, which is another unnerving thing
to think about. He lives in an apartment complex with lots of people. I'm terrified he'll get it. Hell,
I'm terrified I'll get it too. We all are. It's nothing to joke about. If we do have to get it, I hope it's
the milder version. We have to survive this. But all I can do for now is get out a notecard, a pen,
some Lysol, and a stamp.
Journal #5 5/3/2020
Yikes, I haven't been keeping up with these as much as I'd like. On the bright side, I've been
busy reading, grading, listening to free online seminars, and freelancing to keep my mind off of
everything.
It's teacher appreciation week, but even though my county is hiring new teachers, I can't help
but think that this upcoming year will make a lot of teachers break down. I've seen so many
teachers leave to pursue something else due to the unnecessary pressures from admin (which
are federally enforced) and testing. It sucks out the rewarding aspects of teaching and wrecks
our mental health. And to do it during a possible recession when people are even more
stressed? I don't know how public education will survive.
But for now, I need to get back to grading.
Journal #6 5/4/2020
Wasn't much to grade after yesterday. Even though it was a Sunday, I still feel this guilt if I don't
get everything graded as soon as possible. I've been having back, shoulder, and weirdly
enough, foot pain. Been trying to exercise and do stretches to prevent it from getting worse
while also simultaneously not doing it too much to avoid injury. That's another thing about this
whole deal. Everyone is afraid to go to the doctor's offices for an understandable reason. It just
adds to the anxiety of "what if?" All I can do is hope and pray that I won't get sick or injured, I
guess.
Journal #7 5/5/2020
Of course Cinco de Mayo would be on a Taco Tuesday this year and going out to have tacos,
even as takeout, seems too risky. We made burritos with cut up hamburger meat, queso,
lettuce, and taco sauce instead. I put mine in Tostito chips and it turned out pretty good.
I've also been trying to make a little extra money by listing on Poshmark and Mercari, which I've
been doing for a while anyways, but now more people are gravitating towards it to earn money
and buy goods that may be unavailable in stores. I went through some of my childhood board
games that I still have and listed Apples to Apples and a Jenga set I won for free at a college
event.
Journal #8 5/10/2020
Most memorable Mother's Day for certain, but in two ways. Since my mom always says she
doesn't need any gifts and I couldn't go out to the store anyhow, I bought a Cameo from the
journalist Gretchen Carlson, who used to be an anchor here in Richmond before she got mega
famous through FOX News. My mom really liked the name and thought it was unique for a girl.
So here I am.
I really loved Mom's reaction. She loved it and I'm glad I could make her happy when she's been
so stressed. Even though she's not the kind of nurse on the front lines, she's been coding charts
which change often due to COVID and how they want it classified. Then we took our annual
mother-daughter photos outside and she got to take pictures of just me as well. She loves
photography and doesn't get to practice on many real life subjects, so I tend to be the Guinea
pig. But I've started not to mind it as much as I did as a kid.
Journal #9 5/11/2020
Work was slow, so I decided to go outside and jog. Cardio helps keep me calm, even if I really
hate it during the process. I had a lot of unspent energy, the energy I use at school each day,
keeping me fidgety and unable to focus.
I need to remember to wear sunscreen, though, because now my shoulders are part lobster.
Journal #10 5/12/2020
Pretty uneventful day. I did get a slight tan from jogging once the lobster redness faded.
Speaking of lobsters and redness, some lady threw a fit at a Red Lobster and it went viral. It
was on Mother's Day and she was mad that it would be a three hour wait. Like, just go home
and make your own cheddar biscuits. It's really not that hard. You truly see both the best and
worst of humanity during these circumstances.
Journal #11 5/13/2020
On the bright side, everyone still has a job. But on the negative side, the raises we worked so
hard to advocate for? Gone. Extra support employees to help with behavioral issues and those
with disabilities (often linked together to begin with)? Eliminated. I don't even think we're going
to get salary step increases as we normally do. It feels selfish to complain, but since we're often
shortchanged for the sake of martyrdom to begin with, I know that the virus will be used as an
excuse as to why we can't be adequately compensated.
I'm about to go to sleep, and I'm grateful for my dogs. Having them around, especially at
bedtime, helps me get some rest. They keep me calm and snuggling them has really helped
keep my mind off of the crappier things in life.
Journal #12 5/14/2020
One more day until the Governor lets people open for Phase I of reopening the state. I'm still
staying indoors. I have an awful feeling that cases and deaths will spike once more due to
stubbornness and valuing the economy over the people that make it possible. It's so tiring to
see. I'm scared.
Journal #13 5/22/2020
It's been a while again since I've written. It's getting to be towards the end of the school year, so
work is ramping up. I've also been extremely anxious. Well, maybe extremely isn't the right
word. It's more like a constant feeling of being stalked by doom, a fox circling the hen house.
I'll be forced to go back out into the world, which will be the school building, next week to clean
out my classroom. Or at the very least, pack everything up. Only 2 teachers per department are
allowed in at once. We will only have 3.5 hours to get everything — and I mean everything
done. It makes me dizzy to even think about it. At least it's Memorial Day weekend. Not that it
actually matters. I don't mean the purpose of the day, which is important to honor. I mean the
very idea of a "holiday". It'll be hard to not be able to go see fireworks, eat one of those red
white and blue popsicles, or even be proud of America to begin with. When I was little, I LOVED
holidays. I thought all holidays were so special and fun. But as I've gotten older, that excitement
waned. I hope I can get some of that back, especially since now maybe we've learned not to
take them for granted.
Journal #14 5/27/2020
Numbers show that billionaires have only gotten richer during the pandemic. Meanwhile,
violence against black citizens has gotten national attention. As it should. This country needs
reform. Today.
I started packing up my classroom. We only had 3.5 hours to do so and we all had to come in
shifts. No more than four people in a hallway at a time. Documented tracing of where each
teacher went was also in effect on a Google Doc. It was tiring and depressing. Seeing my
calendar stuck on March sucked. Seeing the rest of the "Senior of the Month" frames remaining
empty in the front office was eerie. Every teacher and admin had a mask. I'm going back in on
Tuesday to clear out the rest. Who knows if we're even going back in the fall?
Journal #15 5/28/2020
I'm really considering becoming a contact tracer. I wanted a summer job anyways, and being
one will give me a sense of control of this situation. Being a force fighting against it would feel
good. As I'm writing this, I'm listening to a free Johns Hopkins course about contact tracing
through Coursera.
Meanwhile, I've NEVER seen so many people support Black Lives Matter. It seems that the
death of George Floyd finally woke skeptics up. Not all, but enough to drive so many people,
including celebrities, to donate to the Minnesota Freedom Fund to help bail out protesters. I'm
going to donate tomorrow since I get paid. Enough is enough and has been enough. It's a
shame that so many black lives have had to relive trauma through each wrongful death.
Journal #16 5/31/2020
Chaos. Pure chaos. Protests have been raging onward in Richmond. Someone allegedly
wanted to come down to my hometown and set Lee-Davis and Stonewall Jackson Middle
School on fire, my two alma maters. They've been fighting changing their name for as long as I
can remember and wish they would stop bowing down to "old money" in the county that benefits
from racism. All white people are benefited by racism, of course, but there's something about
old money that tricks so many people into believing they can attain that same prestige, honoring
dead men who didn't even want to be remembered for the sake of "making it".
Yesterday was also violent, but that's what happens with hundreds of years of oppression mixed
with a global pandemic and a president who only wants to stoke the flames. One of my favorite
businesses got damage along with many other locally owned businesses in Richmond that were
looted and destroyed. Apparently, the Daughters of the Confederacy building next to our art
museum had a molotov cocktail thrown into it and several books and Stonewall Jackson's flag
got destroyed. I personally think that if they would have surrendered the monuments and
artifacts to the local museums then they wouldn't have been destroyed. Museums are for
preservation while places like the Daughters of the Confederacy were built in response to losing
the war and holding onto racist ideals for the sake of "heritage". I prefer biscuits and grits as
actual heritage and not slavery. Anyhow, I'm tired. So, so tired.
Journal #17 6/13/2020
Been busy finishing up the remote school year. Got emotional thinking about not getting to say
goodbye to my seniors. I hope we'll get a safe chance to do so.
I'm supposed to see my boyfriend this weekend. I'm excited yet paranoid at once, because I
don't want to get sick or him sick if either of us are carriers. He also got an interview to get a job
back up here as opposed to two hours away and I pray that he gets it, because his current job is
crappy. His manager always claims what he does isn't right and compares him to the other
employees.
Journal #18 6/17/2020
I'll admit that I have a lot of junk, so I've been selling it on an app called Mercari. It's been a fun
way to make extra cash and to keep my mind off of my anxiety. To think that this is what many
Black people feel daily is gut wrenching. The helplessness, the racing thoughts, the uncertainty.
Like many others, I'm trying to shift my focus to as many Black-owned businesses as possible
and bought some gorgeous multichrome eyeshadows from a Black-owned brand. Creating
makes me happy, so I should continue creating.
Journal #19 6/18/2020
Anxious again. At least I sold a TON of stuff yesterday. Apparently people in quarantine are
looking for Beanie Babies, Breyer Horses, and Neopets. Early 2000s nostalgia really hits hard.
I'm privileged to be in this position to be able to make an income like this and still have my
teaching job salary. But what will fall look like? The amount of parents demanding we reopen
the schools completely baffles me. I get people need to get on with life, but the total disregard
for others' lives is sickening. I hate it. It's hard not to hate people. My Lord calls me not to, but
it's a struggle.
Journal #20 7/9/2020
My anxiety is still surging. I know, me and thousands of other people. Cases are surging all over
the country. I applied for another job just in case I'm forced to go back into the school building.
There's no way it's possible or safe. I recognize my privilege even in that statement. I'm in the
best possible position to change jobs at a young age. Earlier this year, another teacher told me
to get out of education while I still could. Never in my life did I think I would consider leaving
teaching. I love the teaching part. I cried thinking about all of the kids who have told me that
they miss me or have said I did something positive for them. I can take kids being crappy
because they're kids. What I can't stand are the amount of adults who feel entitled to me like a
babysitter, a pawn that is disposable. I'm essential because I am an unvalued member of
society. Ironic.
I've discovered a Black vintage clothing collective and I'm looking forward to seeing their new
collection tomorrow. They only premiere a few pieces each month to promote sustainability, and
I bought a wrap skirt and a vest that looks like it's for cowboys. I love it.
Journal #21 (7/16/2020)
This week has been hell. On Sunday I broke up with my boyfriend for a myriad of reasons.
Monday I found out one of the dogs has a heart murmur and probably doesn't have much longer
to live. Tuesday is when I found out my best friend's older brother called a crisis hotline for
suicidal thoughts and was arrested by four cops. Wednesday I found out we teachers may be
forced back into the classroom even if we have a doctor's note. I'm so scared that I'll have to
give up my job. I'm just not risking my life teaching with no breaks. None. Not even state-
mandated planning or lunch if I read things correctly. Everything is awful. This year is Hell
incarnate.
Journal #22 (12/31/2020)
Since July, I admittedly spiraled into a mental health crisis. I managed it by exercising on our
old, and I mean OLD treadmill, taking CBD gummies, and making art. I don't think I've ever
made so much art in my life. I also finished two poetry manuscripts. Creativity is my calm in
chaos. Original, right?
I ended up being able to teach virtually, but some of my colleagues in the online school are
being forced back into the classroom come February. We got a bonus which is unheard of, but
that will never cover up how horribly we've been treated. Without a new school board, system,
something, public ed will continue to deteriorate and bring us all down with them. It's not healthy
for us, but it trickles, no, POURS down to the kids. But with people still acting poorly, another
surge is certain. I hate this. In reality I know 2021 will still be filled with death and disaster.
That's what I've been writing and drawing about mostly: plague doctors, skulls, the Horsemen of
the Apocalypse. I'm keeping my art in separate journals to look back on someday when life is
somewhat normal, though our old normal is over.
Journal #23 (1/01/2021)
The neighbors are launching fireworks. Or gunshots. Or both.
The memes were right about not forgetting to change the year when writing down dates.
Journal #24 (1/04/2021)
Winter break is over and it's back to virtual learning. Most of my students will transfer to Face to
Face Learning by February 1st. The School Board keeps denying the rising numbers. It's like
living in a dystopian hell. I've always loved that genre of books and have read them throughout
the pandemic. But they feel more real than ever.
Several students have been switched between virtual and face-to-face without warning. It's
chaos, but I'll take this over being in person right now any day. Even if I got the vaccine before
the end of the school year, which doesn't seem likely, I've taken a liking to virtual learning. If
there's positions still open in the online school after this, I'd love to stay.
Journal #25 (1/05/2021)
I'm trying to listen to more audiobooks to help me read as many books as possible this year.
Short ones, because I once tried reading IT as an audiobook and it was 40 hours long. I like
feeling a sense of accomplishment by finishing them. I need to read as many as possible to
recommend them to students. Catching up on latest releases when there are so many can be
daunting, but with pandemic downtime, I might as well make the most of it.
Journal #26 (1/06/2021)
While I was teaching, I kept hearing my phone go off with Twitter and other notifications. When I
checked in between my third and last block, I looked in horror at the images of traitors storming
the Capitol building. I feel sick to my stomach. I took a CBD gummy in hopes of calming down. It
hasn't done much.
Journal #27 (1/07/2021)
I started seeing a man a few months ago (well, to some extent, as much as COVID would
allow). I really like him and hope we can keep whatever we have going on after COVID, too. I'm
just afraid I'll find out he's a different person when he's able to go places more often. I've only
seen his pandemic safety side, but he apparently enjoys going to concerts and other events
pretty often. What if he gets bored of me? Or we're not as compatible as I think we are? Just
another thing to add to the list of worries....
Journal #28 (1/10/2021)
Sickened by those who say what they did was patriotic. But more by those who stand by and do
nothing. Any faith I had in the country is dwindling.
Journal #29 (1/15/2021)
I found out yesterday that I'll be getting the first dose of the vaccine next Wednesday. I've never,
ever been excited for a shot before (who would be?) but I'm ready. So, so ready.
My colleagues and I cheered on our virtual meeting when we got the calls from the county. We
might have been just as, if not more, excited about it than a snow day.
Journal #30 (1/16/2021)
The inauguration is next week. I hope that Biden will do at least some good for our country and
that education will be reformed. But I won't hold my breath. I'm currently more worried that
Trump supporters will attempt to sabotage it. The National Guard is lined up all around DC. But
how effective is it when some of the police allowed rioters to do as they pleased? How many are
traitors themselves?