Confessions of a 21-Year Old Girl During The COVID-19 Pandemic

Right now, it doesn’t feel like this story will become part of history. However, in time,
each and every one of our “pandemic stories” will become a part of a bigger history that future
generations will yearn to know about. At least for now, the story is becoming part of my history,
and my time during the lockdown as I lived through it has been the craziest moment in terms of
the hopes of a 21-year-old girl searching for herself and for love.
I know it is a risk to write about what I did during the quarantine because a lot of it was
breaking the rules and the law. All for what? I don’t want to say “love” because it was more than
that. Rather, it was all for soul-searching. I know the things I did may anger people, those who
abided by the rules of social distancing for the sake of protecting themselves and people who
were most vulnerable. I won’t justify my actions for breaking the law. I can’t change what I did,
nor would I want to. Nor will I hide this part of history, the raw truth of what I and maybe some
other young women ventured through during COVID-19.
With that said, here is the story that I hope history, as well as myself, will decide not to
conceal:
I never thought I’d find myself writing a memoir, writing about my actual life and not the
fabricated life of a fictional character that I can easily conceal my secret thoughts and
experiences behind. But I want to make an exception this time merely because of the
circumstances, a worldwide illness that has befallen our world. This time, I’ve become the main
character in a multi-genre story filled with romantic firsts, young adult problems, family
problems, first world problems, and other plot points that unraveled in the midst of the world
closing down on us. Every day seems to generate a new plot point, a twist, a new finding in
character development. My only hope in writing this is that it will have a happy ending. Or rather
beginning.
Speaking of beginnings, the COVID-19 pandemic had two beginnings for me: the day it
broke out in Wuhan, China—when I was not truly aware of it—and the day I was finally able to
acknowledge it was truly happening, simply because of the immediate effect. Somewhere in my
mind I sort of doubted it would ever reach the United States, but when it finally did, it didn’t feel
like it. Not until my only source of human connection outside of my house was taken away from
me. As silly as it sounds, the pandemic, and the root of my story, really started when my gym
closed down.
It will make sense once I put it into perspective. Right now, I am living life under
quarantine as a 21-year-old female, who graduated from a women’s college in the same month
the virus broke out in China. Looking back, I realize I only had three months of living the life I
have always wanted before I felt the effects of the lockdown on March 16, 2020, the day before
St. Patrick’s Day. I finally finished university and I was set on being my best self, which
involved working out at the gym, attempting to find love, and progressing in a career related to
my newly-attained degree.
As a recent graduate from a college with no males to pursue anything with, I don’t find it
surprising that I found myself often flirting with my personal gym trainer, and that was where I
was getting a lot of my feelings of self-worth from. Moreover, I work at home as a community
support technician for my sister who was diagnosed with autism, which meant I really spent most
of my time either at home or at the gym.
The story takes a turn when my flirtatious self realized that my gym was closing and that
I would lose my only source of social connection—and this is where the initial major “first world
problem” appears. I knew the social isolation that would come, not being able to go to the gym
and socialize with my trainer, so I ended up doing the one thing I would have vowed to never do
had it not been for COVID-19: I downloaded the Tinder dating app, and one of my first matches
would be the start of that “love life” I had imagined as a small child.
The guy—which I will refer to as Boy #1 because I want to keep him confidential and
because I don’t want to see his name—and I were messaging each other right before the world
had gone dark and went on lockdown. In fact, I had just returned from the pool and the hot tub at
my gym when I saw that he wanted to take me out on a date.
We were supposed to go to the National Aquarium in downtown Baltimore. We were
supposed to hold hands and look at the colorful fish, the stingrays, and the scary sharks. But we
had to make several changes because as we were planning the first date, everything was closing
down one by one. The Smithsonian museums in Washington D.C closed down on us while we
were discussing our similar interest in the National History museum, but we decided to still walk
around DC and enjoy the cherry blossoms, even if it was not peak season yet. There were no
strict enforcements yet, but people were still encouraged to practice social distancing. Wearing
masks, staying at home except for essential trips, staying away from crowds—at the time, they
were only suggestions. I found it romantic during our first date when we saw a sign that said to
stay at least six feet apart from people, and we still held hands while being as far as we could
from each other.
Pre-lockdown was full of suggestions to stay home. Boy #1 and I, we had no choice but
to hang out only inside a home since businesses were closing and we couldn’t go anywhere. He
even lost one of his jobs since the business was labeled “non-essential”—The term essential and
labeling things as essential would become a thing, sort of a harmless joke, as it shaped how
people viewed other people and businesses as the lockdown neared.
So we were limited to hanging out inside, usually his apartment, and I saw it as the
perfect opportunity. I thought, if we can handle “being stuck” with just each other during this
lockdown, we will be able to handle anything once everything goes back to normal. And we
were able to handle exactly that, watching movies and stand-up comedy together, taking naps
and cuddling together. And like every girl dreams, I finally had my first kiss.
In the end though, things didn't work out with Boy #1. Anyway, it was for the best
because by the time we stopped seeing each other, everything except grocery stores and
pharmacies were closed and the nation had gone on lockdown. It was no longer suggested but
rather ordered for us to stay at home except for essential trips for food or medication. Public
gatherings would be met with force from authorities and it became a thing where playing on the
basketball or tennis court or chatting with a group of people at the park could result in jail time
or a huge monetary fine.
Perhaps it was a good thing that it did not work out. Not just because we probably would
have been fined or thrown in jail for trying to take a nature stroll had we still been seeing each
other during that time. What I got out of the whole ordeal, my “things happen for a reason”
mindset was reinforced and would continue to be reinforced during the rest of the lockdown. As
I went through an odd roller coaster of possible love interests, even if they did not work out I
realized that each of them taught me something different.
My venture with Boy #1 inspired me to finally pick up cooking, an activity I once
sincerely hated. You see, before the lockdown, I was more interested in focusing on school,
writing, and intellectual activities. But not only was it the limited options for fun activities during
quarantine that inspired me, it was the way the brother of Boy #1 looked as he helped Boy #1
cook for me, the way he held his hand over the pan to check the heat, the way he tasted the broth
and knew exactly what else to add, the way he casually talked about the melting point of butter
like it was a science cooking class. Even after I stopped talking to Boy #1, his brother and my
experience watching the brothers cook for me in their apartment would become my inspiration to
finally take up cooking.
This leads to why Boy #2 sparked my interest: his Tinder biography mentioned his
newly-found cooking skill that he acquired during the lockdown. Why I continued to use Tinder
after the first Tinder date did not work out, I have no idea. Hope is probably what it was.
Boy #2 and I texted each other for days and I admired his aspiration to become a surgeon
in the future. Naturally, I grew fond of him and I enjoyed playing video games with him
online—I often played on my PlayStation 4, but I wasn’t a fan of online gaming. I decided to
make an exception during the pandemic though—so although we both knew that the world was
knee-deep in a lockdown, we mutually decided to meet up, our very first meeting being at a
grocery store and walking around Walmart since these were the only few places that were not
sealed off. As it turns out, the relationship did not become anything serious like I had hoped.
Still, serious things happened and I find it quite story-like and hilarious to say that not only did I
finally get my first kiss, I finally lost my virginity and it was during the COVID-19 lockdown.
Since I am being so raw with this story, I want to say that what was especially memorable
was the dangerous emergency of an accidental pregnancy the second time we met up. This
happened because I was just starting “the pills”—after trying my best to hide in a corner of my
house to hold a teleconference with my primary care physician in order to get a prescription
without my parents or my sisters hearing the words “birth control.” I definitely took medical
confidentiality and privacy for granted, when it almost felt like I would lose both if I spoke too
loudly in my family office room. Luckily, and as stupid as it sounds, Boy #2 and I rushed to a
CVS pharmacy, both fearing that it was closed, and endured the embarrassment as the cashier
wearing a surgeon mask strangely eyed us as we purchased the Plan B medication. In terms of
the pandemic timeline, it was exactly the day before it was required by Maryland law to wear a
mask/face covering while going into a store. This part is easy to remember because it would have
been a lot less embarrassing had we been wearing masks to “mask” the obvious and ridiculous
situation of a guy getting a girl pregnant during a time when hospitals and doctors had more
drastic things to worry about.
Though that moment was memorable, what is more important is what I learned from Boy
#2. As a future surgeon, he took up volunteer opportunities at a hospital downtown. Our
meet-ups were contingent on his “on call” schedule, a term I was not unfamiliar with since my
mom also works at the hospital in the blood bank. This very thing, the fact that he was taking
action for his future, would be my inspiration to stop sleeping all day during the quarantine and
start investing in my own future.
“Things happen for a reason,” they all say, and I believe it. Because even if Boy #2 did
not become my first-ever boyfriend like I hoped, he played an important role in not letting my
life pass before my eyes during this sleepy, lazy time under lockdown. My admiration for his
work pushed me to jumpstart my own life. I reached out to the coordinators of a position I had
been looking at for quite some time, which actually ended up landing me the position, and I even
finally decided to take up a remote-job as a secretary and typist for an elderly man with arthritis.
This new boss would further encourage me to start looking out for my future, not only helping
me rack up money to start my process of moving out but also motivating my cooking/baking
skills, adding a new language skill besides English and Japanese, and guiding me through my
“figuring out my situation with boys” ordeal—something I could never talk about with my strict
Asian parents. Amidst everything, I was seeing the pattern. Things were happening for a reason
and even as one door shut, another door to a brighter hallway always creaked open, waiting for
me to reach for the doorknob and enter that hallway.
As I continued to find peace and serenity in living my own life, honing in on my
cooking/baking skills, creatively writing stories, immersing myself in the CGI worlds of my
favorite video games, I heard another “door” creak open and I decided to tread carefully into the
dimly-lit hallway. This hallway led me to Boy #3, who would be the last venture I have with the
Tinder app.
At that point of my life, I wasn’t really looking for anything and just wanted to focus on
my own life, convinced that I was just not cut-out for the love life I had longed for, convinced
that my fate was to never be with anyone. Being stuck in quarantine left me stuck with myself, so
that’s what I wanted. Just to be by myself. And from the way our Tinder chat and text messages
were going, I thought it would stay that way—Boy #3 could not possibly be into me, I thought. I
continued into that hallway, anyway, expecting nothing serious and possibly another
disappointing scenario for my disappointing love life.
But what I found in that dimly-lit hallway was something I did not expect, for it was the
exact opposite of what I had envisioned. And because this is technically a love story, I can say
this, but only because I now believe it is true: what I found was my twin soul, my twin flame, my
soulmate, all synonyms for what some young women believe in: “The One.”
For all the times I had convinced myself of a destiny in which I end up alone, the turn of
events for me during the COVID-19 pandemic sparked a flame of hope for me and for the
darkened world, a reminder that good things can still happen in the midst of tragedy.
Most importantly, for the moments I felt like my 21-year-old young adult desires for
affection, intimacy, and growth were not being met in the suffocated, crowded house with my
family of six before and during quarantine, knowing that I would eventually find what I was
searching for before the pandemic went down, not just love but a chance for me to grow has
made the delay worthwhile.
The days of quarantine will likely become a blur for everyone. It will for me as well. But
what I will not cease to remember is the very first moment Boy #3 and I first met, and every
single moment we spent with each other during this surreal global crisis, during all of which we
were breaking the social-distancing rules each time we cuddled at his place while watching
movies and taking nature walks side-by-side less than six feet apart without masks. As a
Maryland citizen, all of it was quite illegal. But as a writer, I find it quite romantic.
This little memoir was created in the early stages of the pandemic, specifically April and
May of 2020. At this very moment, it is March 2021 and I have decided to actually submit this to
the Women Writing History project. As I return to this piece of writing and reflect, a bittersweet
feeling pains me, seeing how much I’ve grown throughout this pandemic, as well as amusement,
realizing that I seriously created a love story for myself during this time. That story still
continues today. For now, my maybe-not-so-cliche COVID-19 love story ends here. But my life
will continue to go on because I have yet to finish living my story and see where time will take
me, particularly with Boy #3 sticking by my side. How that story will end...well, only time will
tell. What I can say is that it is up to us to turn our attention to the doors that creak open and
beckon us towards a much more vast hallway that will ultimately lead us to where we were
always meant to be.