How COVID-19 Brought Me A Gender Crisis

During Covid I was affected by the pandemic in many ways. My mental health, school
changed, I even lost my childhood dog during the pandemic. Overall the thing that has most
affected me was the gender crisis I had. The begining of covid I was a lesbian woman that used
she/her pronouns. A year later, I identify as a non-binary person who uses they/them pronouns
and thinking about a name change.This is the story on how Covid made me non-binary.

About a year or two before COVID in January, I came out to my parents as a Lesbian. It
wasn't by choice. My parents sat me down after my “friend” left my house and interrogated me.
They asked me why I wanted her to come over so badly, why I talk to her the way I do, and why
I call her all the time. I started crying and told them that I didn’t want to tell them I was gay in
fear they would kick me out. For months following I received letters, emails, even sent speeches
on why coming out was a stupid decision and that I have no idea who I am. Six months after
coming out, my step dad kicked me out of my home for still being gay. My mother files for
divorce and we move to an apartment.

March 2020, I spent a good amount of time on my phone and social media since the
pandemic had just started and we were in a lockdown. I came across a video of this person
explaining something I never have heard before. “Gender and pronouns do not always correlate
with each other”. It made so much sense. That you can identify as a gender and have pronouns
that don't traditionally match the rest of society. Growing up I knew a lot of things other kids
didn’t but LGBTQIA+ terms and normalities were never something I was ever educated about.
Hearing that phrase my mind continued to wonder what else I didn't know about. I found out late one night with my friends a long long list of identities within the LGBTQIA+. As we read each term I came across some of the gender identities. I had no idea there were more than two
genders. Genuinely I had never heard anything about gender non conforming identities and my
mind began spinning. I could only think about how our society pushes being a male and female
onto us before we can even tell anyone how we feel. I started thinking I could maybe not be a
woman.

After learning more about the community I started thinking about how I have never felt
like a woman, but also how I don't feel like a guy. I realized I am truly just a feminine and
masculan person. I also started to go by she/they pronouns to see how it would feel. It took me
around two weeks to determine I just preferred they/them or genderless pro-nouns. I came out
to my friends as non-binary shortly after that. Coming out as Non Binary I received a lot of questions. There was the “what do you mean you don’t have a gender” or even “does that mean
you go by different pronouns”? The answer, yes I don't feel like a man or a woman my gender is
that I am human that doesn't conform to something a society that doesn’t even like people like
me, made. Also not every non-binary person goes by different pronouns. It just so happens
though that I do. I prefer they/them pronouns. Coming out the second time is something I am
still doing. My dad still has no idea and it took months to tell my mom. My mother still doesn't
use the correct pronouns. With changing my pronouns and learning new ways to dress my
outside to match how I feel on the inside I also have been starting to think about changing my
name. I also came to the realization that I have never been comfortable with my body. My whole life my chest has been something I wish was just completely flat. Coming out as non-binary I learned many other people who were assigned female at birth feel the same way I do about being born with boobs. While learning about top surgery I also found that I am considered transgender. That hit me like a brick in the face. My whole life being called a woman and being referred to as she or her I thought that was all I could ever be. Finally finding that there was a term that explains how I feel gender wise made me feel so much more secure. But also please keep in mind that not everyone needs a term or goes by a certain term. Everyone is different.

After learning more about myself and the LGBTQIA community I am finding that I am
really not alone. Thousands of people all over the world had a similar gender crisis. We are all
still learning about ourselves. And that's ok.