Untitled Pandemic Journal

March 11, 2020
Thinking about how I used to hide when I was getting dressed when my father walked in but I don’t
know how I knew to be ashamed of my female body—who made me shy about it?
March 12, 2020
I used to be so clingy; one of my ex’s called me that word and I was so mad, but finally a year and a half
later I flipped the story and tried to imagine if someone behaved toward me the way I had behaved
toward him and it’s true, I would be freaked out. It was so helpful to flip things around and imagine it
that way. And also sad and scary.
March 13, 2020
I can’t go 30 days without an orgasm; I’ll die.
March 14, 2020
What if the whole world stops and is like this
Will everything freeze?
What if our jobs stop
How will we pay rent
And buy food
And pay bills
Will everything freeze so we can keep on living like normal?
Today everything looks normal outside
Calm even
But people are either still stocking up, still doing laundry or getting out of town
And then the other people are jogging and running like they know this is their last chance before we all
get locked into our homes
And then some people just look oblivious—like they haven’t read the news
But those people are rare
Ok and some people look like they feel free for the first time ever—like they can explore the
neighborhood because everyone else is too scared to
March 15, 2020
I don’t think I used to see men as human and that’s a big realization I’m having now.
March 16, 2020
It’s hard to focus today.

March 23, 2020
I don’t have a dating plan. I am waiting. I’m not there yet.
March 24, 2020
Straight A’s in school gave me validation.
March 30, 2020
Apologizing is expressing regret for something you did wrong. A lot of people don’t really apologize.
They say something like, “I’m sorry you feel that I let you down” which is so weird and backhanded and
condescending.
March 31, 2020
I ended a healthy relationship to be with someone who didn’t want to be with me and I have been single
ever since.
April 2, 2020
I can only control my actions and responses.
April 7, 2020
The truth is that I wish some person I was attracted to would come in and rescue me by cleaning my
apartment and taking care of this foster cat and then take care of me.
(I’m even last in my rescue fantasy.)
April 9, 2020
The animal communicator told me Fig is upset about her captivity.
April 10, 2020
I am currently on day 23 of indefinite self-isolating in apocalyptic New York City. I work remotely every
weekday from 9-5 in my quiet one bedroom apartment. The only things I hear while working are my
upstairs neighbors who are either exercising or playing with their secret pet I have never seen, sirens, oh
so many emergency sirens, occasional music blasting from cars (the other day I stood up and danced to
The Notorious B.I.G. and I actually hoped someone saw me through the window because I wanted to
have a real live connection with another human being that was something other than a delivery
transaction, and sometimes I hear people asking for money outside...loudly.
April 11, 2020
I have a fear of people leaving me or not liking me.
April 14, 2020
Often before a date, I put all my attention into how I look: my hair, my clothes, my nails, perhaps a wax.
I assume that a date is going to think I am fat and that if they think I am fat, they will find me
unattractive and not want to be with me.

April 19, 2020
My mom said I was a quiet baby.
April 20, 2020
I feel like there’s a part of me that’s been trying to resurface for a long time.
April 21, 2020
I am making peace with my past.
April 22, 2020
Today a tarot card reader told me that I’m the enemy right now to Fig, but that this will change.
May 1, 2020
So many of my past relationships were actually just fantasies—not real—all in my head.
May 2, 2020
Today my therapist had my write out:
THE REASONS FOR ME NOT CLEANING MY APARTMENT
1. I don’t feel like doing it
2. I don’t like doing it
3. I’m too tired
4. I deserve to rest and not do anything
5. Physical pain
6. I live alone so there’s no one to judge me
7. It’s not urgent; I have all the time in the world
8. There’s not enough time during the week
My therapist also had me write out:
WHY I SHOULD CLEAN MY APARTMENT
1. It will make me feel better, happier, and healthier
2. It will be a safer place for my cat
3. It will give me a sense of pride; I will not be embarrassed to have visitors
4. It will make me feel and look more professional on work video meetings
5. Less clutter will give me more sanity and peace of mind
6. It will smell better and be more pleasant
7. It will be easier to cook/be healthy and save money
8. I am creating preventive measures to keep cat from making messes
9. I will possibly have less allergies
10. My clean home will be a symbol of openness toward others
May 3, 2020

I didn’t realize I couldn’t feel my own feelings because I’m always so emotional—I thought I understood
what feelings I was feeling, but I didn’t at all.
May 4, 2020
I used to be super entitled about my sexual desires because I felt like as a woman, it was important to
tell my male partners what I needed, but then it got to the point where I thought it was OK to demand
what I wanted regardless of what the other person wanted.
May 5, 2020
I always think I’m burdening the people who care about me; it’s hard for me to believe anyone wants to
spend time with me and especially that they want to listen to me.
May 6, 2020
I was abused as a minor and it took me many years to admit it to myself, much less anyone else.
May 7, 2020
Today the animal communicator said that “’happy’ is not the right word to describe Fig, but she’s
adjusting.”
May 8, 2020
I have so many secrets. So few people actually know the real me.
May 9, 2020
I am annoyed that my therapist doesn’t seem very technologically savvy and gives me this form that I
have to use Adobe Acrobat to fill out and then it’s so tiny that it’s hard to fill out accurately.
May 10, 2020
I wasn’t aware that the abuse I experienced when I growing up wasn’t normal—because what did I have
to compare it to? I grew up with a lot of fear inside of me.
May 13, 2020
I need to take some time to pray and meditate about everything.
May 15, 2020
I have a really bad headache and may need to lay down.
May 17, 2020
I used to torture myself by hanging out with people who weren’t giving me what I wanted.
May 18, 2020
I’ve pushed so many people away in this lifetime.
May 19, 2020

I woke up and my sleep app said I had only slept 4 hours and I couldn’t believe it. I thought I had slept
through the night. But truthfully I think it was inaccurate because sometimes when I sleep with the
windows open, I think my sleep app thinks that I am the wind awake and rustling.
May 20, 2020
I’ve become more aware of my relationships with family and friends. I’m talking more with my family
than I have in years.
May 22, 2020
As a kid, I prayed every night before bed but was 1) afraid for anyone to find out I prayed because
praying isn’t cool and 2) I prayed for everyone but myself. I used to tell god something like “Please take
care of all of my family and friends and if there is a time left, me too I guess, but no big deal if there isn’t
time left for me...”! as a kid. That sums up so much about me.
May 24, 2020
Today a tarot card reader told me that I can be gentle on myself if I am not feeling productive enough.
May 25, 2020
I have a history of being in toxic relationships.
May 26, 2020
I’ve been depressed forever
So, this is just a normal way of being for me
And it brings up the fact that I really can’t drink
Because drinking only makes me more depressed
And similarly, to masturbation, once I start drinking, I can’t stop
Why am I so compulsive with things that make me feel good?
Like eating all the cheese cubes at a party
May 29, 2020
I have lived my life in extremes
I’m either so productive or I can’t get out of bed
I binge and purge relationships
June 1, 2020
Did I mention that I am single?
June 2, 2020
I am taking a hard look at myself.

June 3, 2020
It doesn’t take much or even anything for me to fall for someone—it usually just requires physical
attraction.
June 4, 2020
I feel like I’m always going to have guilt for something.
June 5, 2020
Sometimes I feel safer alone, like those old Palace Brothers lyrics “When you have no one, no one can
hurt you.”
June 6, 2020
Can’t help but think about the correlation between losing my virginity to a creepy older man who had
been grooming me since I was 14, when I turned 18 and the fact that I am single and unmarried at age
39.
June 7, 2020
I don’t know when I knew I was Mexican. I mean, if I look in the mirror—I am a little white girl with red
hair. I grew up in San Antonio, Texas where it feels like everyone is Mexican. I only ever ate tacos for
breakfast and every woman I remember fondly from my childhood was named Belia or Lupe. All the
men in my life were Pablo’s and Alfredo’s. I don’t know when I realized I was a Belia or a Lupe disguised
as a Cathy.
June 8, 2020
I feel lucky.
June 9, 2020
Today, I was thinking about how I didn’t have one moment of being in love in my 30s and my 30s are
almost over. It’s sad to me. I have this fantasy of being on the beach with someone and feeling
comfortable in my own skin with someone who I am attracted to and who just absolutely adores me. To
be fair, even when I was in mutual love with someone in my 20s, we probably argued on the beach and
didn’t stare at each other lovingly.
June 10, 2020
I straightened up my apartment a little.
June 11, 2020
I feel overwhelmed, anxious, and fearful.
June 12, 2020
I pray more now than I ever have before.
June 13, 2020

I feel so much fear and anxiety around so many people.
June 14, 2020
I used to think that every date is a potential spouse and I would get lost in fantasy. I’m trying not to do
that anymore.
June 15, 2020
Many people annoy me and drive me crazy.
June 16, 2020
I always think that rest and solitude are the same as being alone, but I’ve been so busy with working
from home and virtual hangouts and activities since March 11th that I haven’t really allowed myself
much time for actual rest and solitude.
June 17, 2020
I miss driving and reflecting. It was like meditation for me when I took solo road trips.
I feel a little out of touch with myself in isolation right now. Today is day 112 of being alone in my
apartment.
I’m not taking care of myself. I mean, I’m protecting myself from Covid-19 and from my bad choices
where sex and love are concerned, but I am not doing anything else—definitely nothing actively
positive.
June 18, 2020
I want to date someone interesting.
June 19, 2020
I haven’t done anything social in months and I am scared of the city reopening and then having no
excuse to be so anti-social.
June 20, 2020
Sometimes my ex would say we were “just friends” which was crazy because of how physically intimate
our relationship was and then it tipped me off to what he meant when he talked about other “friends.” I
was so naïve.
June 21, 2020
This weekend marks one year since I saw my ex.
June 22, 2020
I need to give myself permission to relax.
June 29, 2020
Today I said the affirmation: “I realize that I have had a hard life and that I deserve better.” 25 times.

June 30, 2020
I feel really groggy because I just napped HARD. I mean H-A-R-D.
I am proud of myself for getting groceries. I will need to run out and buy a few things on a case by case
basis, but I decided it was better to do that when I am ready to use the stuff rather than let it spoil.
I still feel really guilty for throwing away so much food from my freezer: ice cream, chicken, meatballs,
fish, hashbrowns, vegetables, fruit. I’m sure there were other things I am forgetting.
July 1, 2020
I’m avoiding my ex and its fine.
July 2, 2020
I want to date someone who is kind.
July 3, 2020
I definitely think I’ve inflicted loneliness upon myself.
July 4, 2020
I can now see that my relationship with **** was inappropriate.
July 5, 2020
I had my first kiss when I was 16, but I didn’t want to date this boy my own age who treated me great
and who I had everything in common with because I wanted to be with an unavailable 26 year old man.
July 6, 2020
Spending time staring and listening to the ocean is when I feel closest to god.
July 7, 2020
Biting my nails is something I can’t stop and then my fingers hurt to the point where I can’t use them.
My family is stressing me out.
July 8, 2020
My hope is that the next time I am in a relationship, I will take things slowly enough to allow for
romance, intimacy and friendship versus just sex.
July 10, 2020
I feel like I have many friends and that is a blessing, but I am only actually truly close with a handful of
people.
July 13, 2020
I think being in my power means to be fully confident of myself and all of my abilities and talents. I feel like I’m in my power when...I am doing something purely for myself—something I truly want to be
doing.
July 15, 2020
I have lived alone in NYC for over 5 years; I am single and without children and up until one month into
the pandemic was without pets and plants!
July 20, 2020
I want people to know how I really feel. My feelings are important and valid. I should only show
affection when I actually feel affectionate toward someone.
July 21, 2020
I think ***** is ultimately a good person, kind person, talented person, but we are too different to be
friends.
July 22, 2020
My definition of romantically available: Someone who is able to be obtained/attained. Someone who is
accessible. Someone who is a willing and participating and motivated romantic partner. Someone who is
ready to be in a committed monogamous romantic relationship WITH ME. Someone who I don’t have to
chase after—someone who is easily within reach. Someone with whom things feel convenient. Someone
who is actually looking to be in a committed monogamous relationship and is actively looking to be in
one. Someone not already in a romantic committed relationship. Someone not in love or preoccupied
romantically with somebody else. Someone who wants to share themselves with me over time and to
develop our connection in an authentic way. Someone who is able to feel deeply, as well as to
communicate those deep feelings to me. Someone who is able to sit with difficult, upsetting, or
challenging emotions, both in themselves and in me, and to not run away from, dismiss, or attempt to
minimize them. Someone who is able to be with me when I’m in pain and not try to fix it, but instead,
will just be a loving, brave, mindful presence with me.
July 26, 2020
It’s hard for me to communicate with my mom right now.
July 27, 2020
I am ashamed of how messy and un-adult my apartment is. I am ashamed of my body size. I am
ashamed that I haven’t had a partner in 13 years—like that must be such a red flag that something is
wrong with me. My irrational shame is keeping me from love and happiness.
July 28, 2020
I am really sad right now. I just had to leave Fig at the vet, the good vet, to have a full mouth extraction.
I feel so bad about giving the go ahead to remove all her teeth. I feel so bad that I couldn’t explain to her
what was going to happen and why. I feel so bad that she had been more playful and loving than she
ever had in the days leading up and I am scared I have taught her that trusting me only leads to pain.
August 3, 2020

I have constantly downplayed my talents and abilities, always underselling myself artistically and
professionally—leading to self-sabotage and underachievement and under-earning—and that is just a
sliver of emotional harm I have done to myself over the years.
August 4, 2020
I am trying to remember that the purpose of me dating right now is to see if I am interested and not the
other way around.
August 5, 2020
I guess my takeaway is that it’s nice ******* finds me attractive. It’s weird he compared me to an ice
cream cone though.
I take his rejection as a reflection of his own unavailability. That may not be true, but that’s how I
interpret it given everything he said.
August 8, 2020
I definitely don’t love myself enough as much as I should/as I could/as I need to.
August 9, 2020
I’ve always felt depressed. Since early childhood.
August 11, 2020
I am so unfocused that I didn’t even give myself 15 minutes to write today.
I feel different in a good way. Fig the cat forced me off the couch and now I am working from my desk
and the lighting is so good and the set-up is so much more proper for a working-from-home
environment. And my boss is back from maternity leave. It definitely feels like Mercury went direct or
something. Something changed for the better. And I went to the beach finally. And all I could hope was
that my beach pictures didn’t make anyone sad the way other people’s beach pictures have been
making me sad/envious all summer.
I feel like such a bad daughter for not spending the pandemic with my mother.
Speaking of parents, I had this realization that my ex, **** was such a big deal to me not because he
was the only healthy adult relationship I’ve ever had, the longest relationship I’ve ever had, the only
partner I ever lived with, the only person to propose to me, but because he was sort of like a father to
me. He took care of me and wanted to protect me and he taught me so much. And I had this big
realization that now, since **** I don’t let men get even close enough to me to try and do any of those
things for me. I have the exact opposite relationships now. I try to take care of them and teach them
things. It’s so weird. I want another ****, but I also am my own **** now. I don’t know if I’ll ever find
someone who loves me like that. I don’t know if I’ll ever let someone love me like that. I felt like I saw a
flash of it in *** but that might have been my own projection and fantasy and not reality.
I took a virtual feminist self-defense class and I didn’t have the will to move, so I turned my camera off
and just watched. I can move with other people when I am out in the world, but on my own, the motivation is so small. I feel like such a liar. Such a fraud when I tell people I’m doing fine and that I love
myself.